One of Those Days…

I feel like I have ADD today.

Focus! (as if that helps)

My mind has pretty much been in cruise control mode the last few days…can’t think about technical things.  Perhaps it’s just too much excitement and anticipation.

I’m changing jobs (yet again) by choice and necessity.  The passing of another slice of my professional life brings with it additional wisdom and bonds.  I’m getting better at these things.  At the same time, I feel somewhat lost inside as well.  Like the new kid at the school (a situation with which I have much experience with).

I do wonder whether I’ll ever find that place where I’ll feel whole and I’ll feel at home.  Surely, nothing in life is so perfect, but I don’t know that I’ve even come close in the last few years.  The closest I’ve been was way back in the summer of 2000, when I was working for Captain (Mr. Ezra Hedaya) at a little startup with big hopes.  That was a great summer.  Learned a great deal and worked with great guys and gals.  I think I’ve been trying to capture that ever since…to no avail.

Such concepts of stability are seemingly archaic.  It’s not just jobs, it’s everything in life.  Lease a car.  Free agency.  Netflix.  I don’t know that I mind it; it’s not as if my peers with more stable positions are much happier than myself.  In fact, from a dollars and cents perspective, I’ve been better off than most of my peers.  For the first time, I’ll be making more than my mom…a 20 year veteran of the Mainframe Era (of course this era never ended…the vestiges still flourish in financial and manufacturing industries).  More than that, this constant shifting has also shown me more possibilities and better opporunities.

For now, at least, I’m looking forward to the possibilities and the future.  New people, new places, and, most importantly, new opporunities to show ’em my stuff.  My brain is exploding with ideas with no guidance to shape them and bring them to fruition.  Had I known what I know now, when I worked for Captain, we’d all be rich men by now, I think.  At the same time, I never feel like I know enough.  There’s always too much to read, too much to learn, and too much to explore…bookstores make my head want to explode; I actually feel anxious when I walk into one.  The sight of neatly stacked books makes me feel like I have tons of catching up to do.  Too much to do.  I actually feel guilty when I walk out of a bookstore without a purchase.  As if I’ve somehow lost a leg of some imaginary race for wisdom and knowledge (but I always get over it once I’m break the plane of the exit :-D).

One step at a time, I guess.  My brain is always thinking into the future, which makes it hard to focus on the now, at times.  I find it weird that some of my peers seek my advice when it comes to careers…I myself seek it from those with more experience in these matters than myself.  I don’t know that I want to buy into all of what they are saying (of course, I’ll regret this in a few years).  But I always try my best to offer whatever insights that I have when I do get pinged (not much :-S).  It’s always interesting to see where some of those midnight debaters and GoldenEye marksmen are today 🙂

So, how is life?

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1 Response

  1. 2b says:

    This evening I was describing this feeling to Susannah that I have when I walk into a bookstore. I did a Google search "bookstores make me feel anxious" afterward, wondering if anyone else feels this way and found this writing. I can identify with the description and can add that I have been trying to get better about thinking of a bookstore as a, sort of, "tangible internet (?)" that can be "surfed."
    It’s like the internet is 120 bpm and the bookstore 60, if you think of the pace of information coming at you in musical terms. I’m not sure who you are but will continue reading a little more tonight until I’m led to something else to inquire about.
    Surfing on at 120,